Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.