Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
happy halloween
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Tell the colonel to bring it
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew