Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
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I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”