Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

I didn’t know they can drive…

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.