Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
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You were the one.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
he was correct
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Netflix: We have Less
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed