Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Good for him.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision