Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//