Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
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when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
The asteroid..
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.