Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
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Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?