Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?