Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
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Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?