Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”