@JessObsess

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

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@TheToddWilliams

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

@SvnSxty

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

@thedad

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

@mamallamapuff

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

@drinksmcgee

8: What’s a VCR?
Me: It played video tapes.
8: Video Tapes?
M: Like cassettes.
8: Cassettes?
M: Like an older CD.
8: CD?
M: *pours bourbon

@kevinseccia

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate