Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
You Might Also Like
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*