Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.