Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Leftovers are for quitters!
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
what my late-night hot pocket sees
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall