Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My love language is hissing.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
🤣🤣💀
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is