Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Every house has this drawer

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

can’t bark with your mouth full

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes