Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

I’m never leaving this app.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

edward fingerhands

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

*watches the world burn*

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.