Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Come back with a warrant

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.