Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived