Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.