HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one