Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Comparing yourself to others
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it