Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

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My desires are… unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)


Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…


I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.


Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.


Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.


Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.


I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.


Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don’t fool me. Oh that’s your bf. You still don’t fool me.


My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?