Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park