Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

This one’s “Alex”.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day