Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
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so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.