Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.