Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Blew my mind.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???