Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.