*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
This is my bus stop.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.