*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.


Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy


*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*


You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.


Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief


When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.


ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}


MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?


Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.


[sex-ed lesson]
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”