*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok