Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”