Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No