Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.