Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

Me recordaron éste meme

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”