Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳