Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Finally, a door that understands me

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.