Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.