Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

I finally found a reason to live again.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh