Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
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learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
