Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.