Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
getting groceries
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
They got Raph!
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you