Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley