Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

Best spoiler warning ever

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered