Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be