Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
They did not miss in the small print
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.