Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

me irl

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*