Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
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Rare photo of two submarines racing
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.