Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
For those that worship cheese..
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.