Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.