Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year