HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked