Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Blew my mind.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Thinking about Jeff
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.