Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job