husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
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Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend