husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
You Might Also Like
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
🐕🍷
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.