husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”