Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.