husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
You Might Also Like
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick