husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
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*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school