Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
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if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.