Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.