Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

You were the one.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Don’t touch that.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!