Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.