Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.