Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.