Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
peep davidson
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.