Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

see next tweet for some translations

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

2023 was just a warmup

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down