HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”