Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*