Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.