Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
