Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
just make the entire table out of coaster
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
