Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Not even remotely sorry.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link