Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Morning all.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*