Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

True freaking story!

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

Well, that didn’t work.

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

I think about this a lot

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”